You need to actively pursue the voices, feelings and opinions of children when it comes to domestic violence. Hearing their perspective is the best way to learn how the violence may be harming them and how you can make them safer.
In the table below are some examples of considerations and conversation ideas you can try. This is not a definitive list, but a way to get you started with your own casework.
| Practice considerations | Conversation ideas |
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Children are likely to respond to practitioners who are:
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Respond to fear and blame Always tell the child that the violence is not their fault. Consider:
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Understand their broad experiences
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Use their language Most children don’t relate to the term domestic violence but may talk about hitting and hurting. Ask questions that will help you understand dynamics of power and control. |
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Name the violence and ask about how they cope
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'Children think and behave differently from adults, so the approach we take with them must be different. We can use the medium of play to communicate with children ... Under extreme stress children turn their play to very specific purposes and use play to try to master their fear-provoking pasts and anticipated futures; Children’s overwhelming need to play out crisis or trauma suits our purposes.’
Everyone Deserves to Feel Safe: The Culturally And Linguistically Diverse Safe from the Start Project(Spinney, 2014 )
Activities to get children talking
A child’s play can tell you a great deal about their experiences of and responses to violence. This knowledge can help you support them in processing their pain.
When working with a child through play, remember the following points:
- Don’t jump ahead. Follow the child's lead.
- You don’t need to be a therapist to be therapeutic.
- Be careful not to use adult (or force your own) interpretations on to what they are doing or saying—check in with the child about what they mean.
- Ask about responses.
- Play does not need to be structured or use therapeutic tools for it to be meaningful.
Tools to engage a child
Ask the child to pick a bear for each of their family members. Say: ‘Tell me about dad bear. What is dad bear doing?’
They may like to pick more than one for some family members. You can explore different bears for different times of the day and night.
Choose a happy, sad or worried bear card or sticker. Ask: ‘What makes this bear happy, sad or worried?’ ‘When are you happy, sad or worried like this bear? Are there things that mum, dad or your siblings do to make you feel happy, sad or worried like this bear?’
Download the Bears App to your phone, so that you always have them with you.
The Three Houses can be used to explore the acts of violence and other behaviours that frighten and worry the child; as well as what worries they have for others. It can help explore protective factors that can shape safety and case planning and create a picture of what needs to change for the child to feel safe and happy. This can be a powerful motivator for change for the man using violence.
The Safety House is used to hear from the child about who and what can keep them safe, what rules need to be in place and how we can get to a point where the child feels safe. This tool can also be used to explore any feelings of blame they may have and worries about what may happen because we are involved and if they talk to us about what is happening.
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