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have you ever got frustrated and even
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angry with someone because they've done
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something that you just cannot
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understand it goes against every fiber
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in your body against every element of
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your logic
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maybe they leave their children with a
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family member on a regular basis so they
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can go out and enjoy themselves
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you may feel these people are abandoning
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their child and showing a lack of love
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if that was you doing it
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you'd feel really guilty even if the
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child was having fun or maybe you don't
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understand how someone can't have a
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couple of nights out without their
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children to bond with their partner and
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relax or of course you may think well
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it's okay to do it every now and then no
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harm done you know what know these views
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are wrong if things aren't taken too far
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in extremes the first two views are
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potentially harmful to a child's
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development with one over protecting the
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child never allowing them to explore and
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the other showing a lack of interest and
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therefore neglecting the child but let's
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move away from extremes and work with
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subtle and unharmed --fill behaviors now
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your view towards this example will
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depend upon your fault pattern as it's
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known in attachment theory attachment
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style which is created during childhood
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let's take a deeper look into this
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attachment theory
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in this video we're going to be talking
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about attachment theory and how we can
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use it practically now this is an
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outline of the theory as I want to try
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and keep it brief but by the end
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hopefully you understand the basics and
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we'll delve deeper in future videos
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John Bowlby the clever man who came up
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with attachment theory fault as I'm sure
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we all do that experiences in childhood
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affect the development of children and
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their behavior right through their lives
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into adulthood attachment theory looks
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at the child's bonds with their parents
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or caregivers and allows us to
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understand how this relationship affects
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the child if at the end of this video
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you look further into attachment Theory
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please don't only look up John Bowlby
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but also check out Mary Ainsworth these
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two other parents of attachment theory
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and well were for Google search
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Mary was able to expand the theory in
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some really useful ways we'll talk about
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many of Mary's faults during this video
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anyway attachment theory states that is
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a human requirement to build
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relationships it's a part of being human
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and a part of us all now our attachment
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can be broken down into four main
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aspects proximity maintenance safe haven
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secure base and separation distress
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proximity maintenance is the child's
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desire to be around or near and the
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people they're attached to we all want
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to be around those we know and have a
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bond with and this need is heightened in
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children safe haven is the safe house of
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a child's attachment when confronted
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with danger or fret it's the desire to
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return to the caregiver for safety and
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comfort in films when a character is
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hurt they often call out for their
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mothers she is their safe haven although
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often in films where mother is called
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out what happens next isn't pretty
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secure base allows the child to explore
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the world around them when a child goes
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off on walks away from the caregiver a
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secure base attachment will mean the
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child keeps looking over to the
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caregiver for reassurance that
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everything is okay and that they're safe
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as a teenager when they explore the
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world they're often out of eyeshot to
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the secure base so they may make phone
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calls to keep in touch this is a display
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of the same need a child needs to
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believe that their secure base will not
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abandon them and will always keep them
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safe and away from danger separation
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distress is when a child experiences
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anxiety from being away from their
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caregiver as a child if you ever lost
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your parent or caregiver in perhaps a
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shop
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I'm sure you'll remember the
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heart-stopping fear that pulsates
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through your body when you
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extreme separation distress it's not
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nice it's a wrong different aspect of
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attachment which build up between the
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child and their caregiver we'll look
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into the use of known all this later in
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the video but now let's move on and
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explore the different attachment styles
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the level of care
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and type of relationship a child has
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with their caregiver can have a massive
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effect on their personalities I like in
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the effect to the relationship of a
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tightrope walkers pole an unhappy
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relationship can make a child's
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personality sway one way or the other
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and in extreme cases the pole can try
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and sway both ways at the same time
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breaking it into like a tightrope
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walkers pole we're aiming for a balanced
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level steady and calm pole or
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personality when the personality is
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level this is known as secure attachment
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when it sways one way this is known as
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ambivalent attachment swaying the other
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way is avoidant attachment and both ways
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at once
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breaking the pole is known as
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disorganized attachment secure
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attachment as stated before this is what
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we all aim for this attachment is the
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result of a caregiver having a good
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relationship with the child who is
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confident that their needs will be met
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with the appropriate response they're
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confident in separating from the
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caregiver and explore in the world
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knowing that the caregiver is a reliable
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secure base also they can be easily
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comforted in times of distress happy in
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the knowledge that their caregiver is a
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good safe haven as adults this
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attachment style tends to result in the
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individual being able to have long and
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trusting relationships good self-esteem
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and self-image and a calm disposition
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ambivalent attachment this attachment
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leads to insecurities and clingy
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behavior this is the result of a
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caregiver who is inconsistent with the
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level of care and response to all the
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child one minute the caregiver is
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attentive to the child's needs but the
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next they ignore them in a way the child
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is sucked into the caring side of the
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caregiver and craves this response while
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being neglected it causes the child to
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constantly seek reassurance and
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attention but they'll transfer clear of
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attachment as they fear what they
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believe to be the upcoming neglect they
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do not feel that they have a reliable
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secure base and so will not want to
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separate from the caregiver and due to
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the lack of a reliable safe haven
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they'll be difficult to soothe in times
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of distress as adults they may struggle
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to form long lasting relationships as
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they're worried that a partner
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love them they may become easily
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distress and will always seek approval
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from those around them making it very
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hard for them to be alone avoidant
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attachment this attachment also leads
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the insecurities but on the other side
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of the scale too ambivalent attachment
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this is the result of a caregiver who is
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rejecting and insensitive to the needs
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of the child then will not show signs of
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connecting with the child on an
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emotional or physical level and would be
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dismissive at times of distress
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basically the caregiver neglects the
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child who learns not to seek for their
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attention as it will not be responded to
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many people look at a child with an
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avoidant attachment style and believe
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them to be mature and independent they
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may even common that they're very
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capable this is because this attachment
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style causes the child not to seek
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assurance from others and will be quite
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comfortable playing on their own due to
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the lack of a reliable safe haven
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relationship they will not seek comfort
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and even avoid those trying to offer it
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to as a child they won't need or want to
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cuddle after falling over and hurting
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their knee they do not feel that they
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have a reliable secure base they will
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show little or no difference between the
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relationship of a caregiver and a
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stranger as adults they'll struggle with
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intimacy and may even actively avoid it
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they'll be unwilling and uncomfortable
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to share faults and feelings and will
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not accept praise which they might
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misinterpret as being patronized
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disorganized attachment this attachment
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is very often a result of a child
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experiencing frightening situations and
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behavior role confusion where they take
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the role of the caregiver neglect and
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abuse just to quickly clear something up
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in the case of abuse it may not be that
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the caregiver is the abuser we must be
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very careful here if the child witnesses
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abuse against the caregiver this may
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also lead to disorganized attachments
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the child will show signs of both
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ambivalent and avoidant attachments
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which lead to inner confusion
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frustration and anger this can result in
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rage and violence towards themselves and
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those around them as they do not believe
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they have a secure base or safe haven
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they will show no signs of loyalty and
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may even lose their empathy towards
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people and animals they'll struggle to
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feel remorse for their outburst and feel
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separated
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misunderstood and the lung just like the
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tightrope walkers poem there are
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different scales of attachment the power
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may be lean in a little bit or a lot in
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any direction just like someone may have
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a more extreme attachment style to
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someone else it is not the case that you
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are either ambivalent or secure or
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avoidant or secure you can show slight
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tendencies towards any attachment style
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so knowing all this is very interesting
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but how can we use this information in
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their lives
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well we can easily find someone else's
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fault pens or attachment style
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frustrating knowing that there are
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different ways of thinking will allow
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you to understand someone else's
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reactions let's have an example a child
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wants sweets and you for some
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understandable reason say no maybe
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you're just about to have a nice healthy
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dinner as a cure child review this is
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annoying because they want to have
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sweets but as they have confidence in
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you as a caregiver as a safe haven and
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secure base they can be talked to and
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comforted finally they'll accept the
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decision an ambivalent child will keep
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asking for sweets over and over as they
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don't have confidence in you as a secure
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base or safe haven inside they're
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wondering why you will not give them
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sweets have they done something wrong do
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you not care for them they may view this
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decision as a problem of the bond and
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cling to you seeking reassurance through
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many different ways calling out from
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afar asking for you to come over just to
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see if you respond to the requests
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calling you names then ask him for
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forgiveness to see if you accept them an
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avoidant child may seem in the accept
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your decision
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walking away quietly and placing
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themselves in libram lady too will not
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have confidence in you as a secure base
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and safe haven but unlike the ambivalent
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child they will not want to discuss it
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or ask again inside they'll be just as
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anxious as the ambivalent child but
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won't seek your comfort or approval they
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will be quiet and it may seem like
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they're giving you the cold shoulder
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a disorganized child may react in the
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same way as even ambivalent or avoidant
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child but they may also get very angry
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and even violent this is because they
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feel so extremely disconnected from
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yourself and will have a lack of empathy
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for your physical and mental well-being
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understanding these different reactions
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to a simple situation for this
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information to help us we must look at
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ourselves in our opinion there is a
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sliding scale of ambivalent and avoidant
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tendencies we must work out where we are
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ourselves along the pole where would I
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put myself well let me think I think I'd
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be here slightly ambivalent knowing this
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about myself means I can be more
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accepting of avoidant attachment
11:25
behavioral patterns and not get so
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frustrated by them of course if you
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place yourself on the avoidant side of
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the pole you must attempt to be more
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accepting of us ambivalent people we
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must all try and feel empathy towards a
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disorganized attachment and realize it's
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just their form of reaction no matter
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how severe it may be so looking at these
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responses if you the caregiver were an
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avoidant person you might get very
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frustrated with an ambivalent child's
11:52
reaction you will not understand how
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this child can keep asking you questions
11:55
or seek your approval this reaction just
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isn't how you deal with it and you'll
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find it very difficult to understand why
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and their acting in this way if you the
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caregiver we're an ambivalent person
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with an avoidant child you may also get
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very frustrated with reaction how can
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this child walk away from me they may
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even do it whilst you're talking to them
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halfway for a sentence how rude
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how can they hide themselves away in the
12:20
room are they avoiding you are they
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angry with you you may try and seek
12:24
their approval by calling out to them
12:26
asking them questions like do you want a
12:28
hot drink and get even more frustrated
12:31
when they don't answer or they answer
12:33
with a simple and moody no if you the
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caregiver are a fully secure person you
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may accept however the child responds of
12:41
course you'll feel a little cut out by
12:44
the constant attention of an ambivalent
12:46
child or the cold shoulder of an
12:47
avoidant child but you'll probably
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accept them for whoever they are now if
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the child has a disorganized attachment
12:54
and you an ambivalent
12:56
avoidant attachment you may react
12:58
angrily towards a child putting fuel on
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the fire a secure person may feel
13:02
empathy towards the child but they too
13:04
may feel intimidated and even scared
13:07
these reactions will reinforce the
13:09
child's beliefs of being disconnected
13:11
and misunderstood to help stay calm when
13:14
faced with a different attachment style
13:16
just remember that the hurt or anxiety
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felt by everyone no matter where you are
13:21
along the scale is the same it's just
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the reactions that are different
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after the video just ever think where
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you put yourself if you've never thought
13:31
about this before see how you react to
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situations over the coming days and then
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decide maybe think back to the example
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views beginning the video with the child
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being left than what view point you head
13:41
then match them up with an attachment
13:43
although don't forget these examples are
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extreme just to make a point so if you
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would feel guilty leaving your children
13:49
even when you know they're safe and
13:51
happy you probably had an ambivalent
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attachment if you feel you don't
13:55
understand how someone can't have a few
13:57
hours to themselves you probably had an
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avoidant attachment and if you don't
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have too much review and believe it's
14:03
fine on occasion you probably had a
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secure attachment don't forget this is
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just one example I mean you don't have
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to feel guilty leaving your children a
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family members house to have ambivalent
14:15
tendencies take your time over the next
14:17
few days and have a think this is really
14:20
important except in someone else's
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reactions is a big part of building an
14:24
attachment providing the child with a
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secure base and safe haven from which
14:28
they can feel secure and maybe move away
14:30
from the insecurities of ambivalent
14:32
avoidant or disorganized attachments so
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how do we actually go about providing
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this of your base and safe haven for a
14:40
child well by proving we're worthy of
14:43
attachment by spending time with them
14:45
and connecting with them being there for
14:47
the child in a persistent and consistent
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manner this doesn't mean giving in to
14:51
their every whim and wish and becoming a
14:53
friend but by having acceptable
14:55
boundaries within which the child feels
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safe and protected when a child has a
15:00
moment of frustration confusion and
15:02
anger don't be intimidated by them but
15:04
don't be intimidating your anger will
15:07
only fuel their own staying control of
15:09
yourself and the situation proves that a
15:12
child you are reliable your main aim is
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to get to the point where if a large
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scary lion with big sharp teeth and
15:19
claws walked into the room the child
15:21
would run to you for protection and
15:23
comfort this doesn't mean you have to be
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big strong and scary yourself simply
15:27
reassuring and comforting and to build
15:30
up this relationship just takes time and
15:32
effort but there is something you can do
15:35
to help this process along there
15:38
lots of clever people in the world and a
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man called Dan Hughes is definitely one
15:41
of them
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he's come up with some fantastic ideas
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of how to get your relationship or
15:45
attachment to this point it's called
15:48
pace P a see which stands for
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playfulness acceptance curiosity and
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empathy playfulness a playful attitude
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will invite the child to engage with the
16:03
care with no serious goals or purpose it
16:06
will show them that the carer simply
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wants to be with them and that being
16:09
together is fun and enjoyable it also
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allows for the bond to evolve beyond the
16:14
spoken word body language with facial
16:16
expressions are very important during
16:18
play and this expands the ways in which
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the carer and child can communicate with
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each other acceptance the child will be
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made to feel safe and accepted when they
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do not fear the risk of rejection or
16:30
ridicule when the child reaches the
16:32
point that your acceptance is just taken
16:34
as a given or taken for granted it will
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allow them to reflect on their behavior
16:38
knowing that you will not judge them and
16:40
what they've done for a child to feel
16:43
fully accepted by the carer the carer
16:45
must persistently move on from bad
16:47
behavior quickly this does not mean that
16:49
there are no consequences for bad
16:51
behavior
16:51
this simply means that the relationship
16:53
continues as before once the behavior
16:55
has finished consequences should still
16:58
be used as this place is consistent
17:00
boundaries making the child feel secure
17:02
acceptance goes back to what we were
17:04
saying about understanding your own
17:06
attachment style to allow the acceptance
17:08
of a child's reactions and behavior
17:11
curiosity
17:13
showing an interest in the child's
17:15
emotional and physical well-being is
17:17
extremely important a little how was
17:20
your day at school or even just a simple
17:22
hello mate how are you feeling today as
17:24
soon as you see them goes an extremely
17:26
long way to building an attachment and
17:28
offers opportunities to discover shared
17:30
interests
17:31
it shows the child that you're curious
17:33
about how they're feeling and
17:34
progressing through life's challenges it
17:37
also makes them feel that you were
17:39
thinking about them while you were
17:40
separated a persistent interest and
17:42
conversation from the caregiver
17:44
encourages reflection from the child on
17:46
their actions leading to more positive
17:48
behavior empathy it's really hard for a
17:52
child to feel empathy towards the
17:54
caregiver if the caregiver doesn't
17:56
display empathy towards the child if a
17:59
child isn't feeling empathy towards the
18:01
caregiver there will be a discipline
18:03
breakdown as the child will not respond
18:05
or care have the caregiver films
18:08
conversations about how the caregiver
18:10
feels and how the child's actions affect
18:12
the caregivers emotions will help build
18:15
up an attachment so if we follow the
18:18
ideas of path with an understanding of
18:20
our own attachment style and acceptance
18:22
of other people's reactions along with
18:24
an awareness that the child will be
18:26
searching for a secure base and safe
18:28
haven it will give us the best possible
18:29
chance to build a positive attachment
18:31
and if required allow an insecure child
18:35
to heal into a more secure attachment
18:37
don't forget be mindful and
18:39
understanding of proximity maintenance
18:41
and the hurt separation distress leads
18:44
to these are all very simple ideas but
18:47
they do require a lot of work and
18:48
consistency which in some cases can be
18:51
very difficult but trust me the results
18:54
are very rewarding watching a child heal
18:56
and grow into a secure adult is a
18:58
blessing which we all hope to experience
19:11
chellamma children