Engaging Men as Allies in Preventing Violence Against Women
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Translator: reka r Reviewer: Natalie Thibault
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I work at the University of New Hampshire
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where, among my other responsibilities,
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I'm part of a research group called 'Prevention Innovations'.
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Our primary mission is to create and evaluate tools
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that help with the prevention
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of sexual violence, relationship violence, and stalking.
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Currently, there are 20 researchers and practitioners,
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that are part of 'Prevention Innovations',
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and of the 20 I'm the only one
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who identities as 'male'.
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2 or 3 times a year,
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I attend national conferences related to this topic,
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and the gender split at these conferences
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is similarly skewed.
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There have been some remarkably important contributions
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in the field in the recent years,
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that have come from men.
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But the majority of researchers, practitioners and policy experts,
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working to address this issue, are women.
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As a man working in this field, I take it as a given
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that I will be in the minority.
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But when we compare this to other issues of social concern,
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we can see how unique this is.
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There are very few other problems like this
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that are being tackled almost entirely
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by people of one gender.
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Just think of a few examples:
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Homelessness, drug addiction,
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climate change, poverty,
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racial injustice.
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The list could go on and we'd have a difficult time finding one
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that is being addressed
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by entirely men, or entirely women.
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So how did it come to be
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that women are and have been doing
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the overwhelming majority of the work in this field?
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Why do women seem so much more passionate
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about working to end relationship violence and sexual violence?
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And lastly, how do we get more men involved in this important fight?
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I will do my best towards the end of my talk
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to try to answer this question.
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But first, I'll try to answer a question
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that I've been asked countless times:
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How do you get involved in a field that focuses on the prevention
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of violence against women?
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When I began my graduate training in clinical psychology
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I knew I wanted to be a psychotherapist,
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but I was uncertain of a specific focus
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and not sure with which types of clients I wanted to work.
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My graduate program prided itself in providing a generalist education,
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where students were encouraged to try a variety of different things.
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So I took this sage advice of being open to a whole variety
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of clinical experiences.
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So in my 4 years as a graduate student,
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and in my first 2 years as a young professional,
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I spent time doing clinical work
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in two College counselling centres, two community mental health centres,
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a state hospital,
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and the mental health unit of a maximum security prison.
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It was about halfway through this process
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that I started to notice a common theme among many of my clients;
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especially the women with whom I worked.
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I was consistently surprised and saddened by the number of my clients
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who had a history of sexual trauma.
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I want to make it clear, this was not the case for all of my clients,
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or maybe even the majority.
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And I had a number of male clients with similar life experiences.
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But it definitely was a consistent theme.
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Regardless of where I worked, or what my clients looked like,
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so many of them were living with instances
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or multiple instances of prior victimization.
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Sometimes this came in a form of a current abusive relationship
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that they were trying to flee.
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Sometimes it came in memories of a childhood mourned
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with the years of sexual abuse.
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At some of the places I worked, it was almost taken as a given
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that a client would have such a history.
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A client without a history of abuse
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was the exception that proved the rule.
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Even as somebody who was educated and aware
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of the sided prevalents rates,
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I was still surprised how much an abuse history
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was a unifying theme among my therapy clients.
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Therapists are trained to listen to their clients.
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And if they listen carefully and without judgement,
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they eventually develop a deep sense of empathy.
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This comes more easily and more quickly for some clients
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than it does for others.
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But I personally never struggled to find empathy for my clients
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who were survivors of sexual violence or relationship violence.
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And as it often happens,
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as my empathy for individual clients began to grow,
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I developed a deeper compassion for other people
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who may be going through something similar.
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And I began to ask
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who else may be going through this?
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Do I know people in my own life who may be silently struggling
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with their own story of survival?
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It was around this time that I made more conscious decision
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to be a vocal advocate and ally
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to the cause of the prevention of the violence against women.
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I started to pay more attention to how I talked about these issues
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when they came up.
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I became more consciencious
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of my own personal history of male privilege,
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and I became more aware of how I was coming across to other people.
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It was important for me
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that the people in my life knew
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that this was something that I cared about and that I took seriously.
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Shortly after I became more vigilant about this,
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something interesting began to happen.
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Various women that I know began to share with me
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their own personal experiences of abuse and assault.
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Someone shared with me a story of sexual harassment
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they endured at work;
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another woman disclosed
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that she'd been sexually assaulted while in college,
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and she was still struggling with symptoms of PTSD;
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and one person who I'd known for years
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began to regularly open up to me about sexual abuse
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that had occurred during their childhood.
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None of these disclosures were the result of prying or prompting.
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I honestlty believe that survivors are just looking for a way
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to share their story,
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and I presented myself
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as somebody who is willing to listen.
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In a way, my professional experience
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allowed me to care about this more
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in my personal life.
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And in turn, my personal life, my personal experiences
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deepened my desire to make this a part of my professional identity.
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So how do we get more men to care about this important cause?
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Well, like any other social problem or public health crisis,
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we do it by making it personal.
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We do it by making it relatable.
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We do it by bringing it close to home.
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In the case of relationship violence and sexual violence,
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this is an easy thing to do,
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even if it is a difficult thing to consider.
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Because relationship violence and sexual violence
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are already personal.
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They're already relatable.
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They're already hitting close to home.
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The Center for Disease Control has found that in the United States
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1 in 4 women will be abused
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by a relationship partner,
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and 1 in 6 women will be the victim of a completed or attempted rape.
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I know this is a difficult thing to think about,
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but consider some of the important women in your life,
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some of the women that you care about.
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Your partner, your friends,
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your sisters, your daughters,
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your mother, your grandmothers.
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How many women are on this list?
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Is it more than 4?
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Is it more than 6?
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The reality is everybody in this room
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will have somebody in their life
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that either has or will be directly impacted by this problem.
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So earlier I posed the question: "How do we engage more man
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in the prevention of violence against women?"
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My answer to that question is: Let's start small.
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Let's start with day to day things.
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Let's start by making it clear to the women in your life
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that this is something that you do care about.
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I think this is an important message regardless of gender.
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But in my experience,
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it's something that has been more of a challenge for men.
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So as I posed these questions I'm posing them for everyone.
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But I want the men that are listening to pay especially close attention.
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Do you feel confident that the women that you care about
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see you as an ally,
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in the cause to prevent violence against women?
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When it comes up, how do you talk about rape?
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When it comes up, how do you talk about domestic violence?
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When there's a high-profile case in the news,
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or in our popular culture,
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do you express your opinions about this case?
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And if so, how do you do it?
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Do you know what 'victim blaming' is?
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Do you know what 'rape myths' are?
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Do you make it an effort to avoid endorsing these ideas?
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And in the most general of terms,
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what type of language do you use when you talk about women?
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What type of language do you use when you talk about gender?
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And specifically for the men,
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do you automatically become defensive
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when you hear discussions related to the violence against women?
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Do you automatically become defensive
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when you hear discussions around male privilege?
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If so, have you ever thought how this comes across
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to the women that you care about?
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And lastly, do people look at you and say,
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"This is somebody I can share my story with,
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without feeling judged or blamed?
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This is somebody with whom I can share my story
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and feel confident that they will listen and provide support."
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Earlier, when I talked about engaging men in this cause,
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I was not talking about growing the ranks of male researchers,
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and policy experts and clinicians.
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I believe that engaging men in this fight can begin
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by encouraging them to be better allies and support systems
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in the lives of women that they are close to.
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And what we know is
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doing this can actually help to prevent violence.
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When we look at data from the Department of Justice
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we see that sexual assault,
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childhood sexual abuse and domestic violence,
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are among the most under-reported crimes in the United States.
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In fact, for all of these crimes, less than half of instances
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are reported to the Police.
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Similarly, less than half of these victims seek professional help
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from a trained victim advocate or mental health professional.
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Instead, if a victim tells anyone
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about their abuse or assault
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it is usually someone they are close to:
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a sibling, a friend, a roommate.
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So, despite the incredible work that's being done
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in crisis centers and shelters and psychologist offices,
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regular people, non professionals,
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people listening to this right now,
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are the first line of defence
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in helping people to heal in the aftermath of trauma.
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There's a groundbreaking research on this
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that comes from Dr Rebecca Campbell.
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She found that one of the strongest predictors
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of somebody being able to heal after they have been sexually assaulted
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is the care that they receive from the first person that they tell.
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If the victim is cared for and supported,
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they are less likely to show symptoms of PTSD,
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and they are more likely to seek professional help
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or legal counsel.
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As a culture, we need to broaden this personal level of support.
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We need to make it clear to all survivors
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that there are people in their life that care.
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It should be empowering for us to know
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that simply by being supportive
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we can help to reverse the negative impact of trauma.
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But providing this type of support,
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not only helps people to heal from previous acts of violence,
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it can actually prevent further victimization.
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Sadly, one of the best predictors of somebody being sexually assaulted
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is having a prior history of victimization.
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Each act of interpersonal violence
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increases the likelihood of it reoccurring.
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One factor, that powerfully mitigates this cycle,
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is the receiving of proper care and support.
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If the survivor is cared for
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they are less likely to be re-victimized.
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So, if we are able to be present for survivors
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we are literally keeping them safer going forward.
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And one final benefit to this approach
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is we can actually make our community safer.
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We would all like to live in a community
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where every instance of interpersonal violence
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is reported to the Police.
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But the question should not be: "Why don't more survivors report?".
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The question should be: "What can we do to create an environment
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where they are more comfortable doing so?"
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Survivors are more likely to report their crime to the Police
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if they feel believed and supported
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by those whom they are close to.
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Experts agree that the best strategy for increasing reporting rates
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is not telling the victim that they must go to the Police.
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It is providing them with love and support
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so they have the strength to do so of their own accord.
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So to summarize, if we are able to be present in people's lives,
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and provide emotional support,
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we can decrease the risk that they develop PTSD,
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we can lower the risk for future victimization,
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and we can increase the likelihood
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that they report their assault to the Police.
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Fortunately, you do not have to be a trained psychologist
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to effectively respond
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to a disclosure of abuse or assault.
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Anybody can be a good listener.
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Anybody can patiently offer support.
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In general, try to avoid telling a person what they have to do.
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Try to avoid asking too many questions.
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Even if it's not your intention,
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it may appear that you're doubting their story.
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And try to avoid feeling like it's your job
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to fix the problem, or trying to seek vengeance.
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Instead, what is suggested
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is offering some simple words of compassion and encouragement.
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Some very basic things that I have found to be powerful,
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are saying things like:
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"I'm so sorry that this happened to you."
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"I appreciate that you shared this with me."
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"What can I do to help you?"
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One final way that we can all be better allies is
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simply being aware of local resources
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that you can share with somebody if need be.
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If you'd like to learn more
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about relationship violence or sexual violence,
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or learn more about how to support others
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there are lot of great resources.
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If you listen to this here in New Hampshire,
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I recommend visiting the website
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for The New Hampshire Coalition Against Domestic and Sexual Violence.
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If you are listening to this outside of New Hampshire
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I recommend visiting the website
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for the National Sexual Violence Resource Center.
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Every survivor of interpersonal violence
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deserves to have at least one person in their life
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who is willing to listen and to provide support.
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Too often is assumed
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that this person will be a mother, or a sister, or a daughter.
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In my experience, in general,
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women have done an incredible job of filling this role.
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But think of how much we are limiting ourselves as a culture
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by continuing this assumption.
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So, this is a call to action for men to join the ranks.
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To strengthen our team of allies.
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For all of the men that are listening,
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at some point in your life,
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a woman you care about
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will be directly impacted by this problem.
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Are you confident that they will turn to you?
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Are you confident that they will see you as an ally?
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Thank you.
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(Applause)